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Being a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve long felt that politeness is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a fulfilling life, I’ve struggled with very poor self-esteem. This mix of aiming to be considerate and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Many times, it happens so quickly that I’m barely noticing of it. It stems from anxiety and has affected both my private and professional life. It frustrates my close ones and workmates, and then I get annoyed when they bring it up—which only heightens my anxiety.

Presenting and Questioning

This over-apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to addressing a group or making inquiries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay focused and avoid anxious tangents, but even that fails most of the time. As an starting scholar in government studies, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through exposure therapy, such as instructing groups and pushing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing embarrassments from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I fall back to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t believe I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still enjoy life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to curb the constant apologizing. I’ve heard that professional help might benefit me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too little or too much, and you place a load on others.

Finding the Source

A psychotherapist might explore where this urge comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it self-inspired or inherited from someone close to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once benefited us become maladaptive in later years.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-sabotage. You are aware it bothers those around you, yet you keep doing it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than doing. Much of good therapy is about understanding yourself, not just problem-solving. A skilled therapist will gently challenge you, offering a comfortable setting to explore and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a interpersonal focus with a person-centered counselor might be more helpful. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you treat, dismiss, and criticize yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-assurance can develop from there.

Practical Steps

Changing ingrained patterns is hard, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an effort to avoid discomfort or exposure, by acknowledging perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a loop of annoyance and nervousness.

Even reflecting afterward can be beneficial. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel understood without you taking responsibility.

This approach will take persistence, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a significant first step toward change.